Letting Go of Toxic BS
There's a lot that has happened in my life in the past few months, and the new 9-5 is one of them, but there is just a lot that's been going on personally. I've definitely gained a few pounds and it's DEFINITELY due to the stress I am under but I also know that I haven't been eating as well as I would like. I always eat healthy, ALWAYS. However, it's HOW healthy I choose to eat during the day which is getting to me. Funny thing is, is that there are times when I DON'T eat at all, and I still manage to gain weight. I've been told that it might just be my body going into starvation mode and it's holding on to the carbs and fat. It's infuriating to be honest, cause it always seems like everyone around me who is doing similar shit loses 20-30lbs and I can never seem to lose that much, EVER. If I do I manage to gain it all back.
I am really frustrated if you can't tell. I can't seem to let go of toxic people in general. I am an empath, which basically means that I absorb the energy of others and feel what they feel. I always seem to attract narcissists, and I can't let go of them. It's become a way of life for me. So why can't I let go of the toxic BS? I guess I am addicted to it. I am addicted to the chaos, the bad crap that is so bad that it's good for you. Kinda like those salty chips, I like to eat from time to time, Through therapy (LOTS of therapy), I am learning that letting go is an absolute must to where I want to go. Where do I want to go? I want to be someone that inspires others, a thought leader or someone that women can look up to and say "damn she did that".
You might be asking "well what's stopping you"? Tons of things, but most of it is my own toxic BS. The BS I've been carrying as a kid or as career coach Becky Berry calls it "head trash". It's my own negative BS that I can never seem to get rid of because I live in that comfortable space. My "head trash" space that I have been living in my whole life because it makes me feel good. Good enough to give an excuse not to do anything business or work-related. Good enough to not go out on dates with seemingly good guys. Good enough to not out to the movies by myself cause if I do that, I am not being productive. Good enough to just be enough.
My whole life I've been trying my hardest to always be extraordinary at everything and while I tried to get all A's. I often got B's and a couple of A's. Simply because I just wasn't applying myself and there was a lot happening at home at the time. I was one of those kids that the teachers liked because I never caused any trouble but they were low key frustrated at cause they knew I tried, but not hard enough. A lot of the good teachers saw this and pulled me aside for talks. The truth of the matter is that I was so depressed beyond belief from 7-17, and coming from an uber-conservative Asian household, mental health was never talked about. Being an empath, psychic, and spiritual was very much talked about in our home though, oddly enough. It's usually the other way around for most people.
My mom was an empath/psychic, and she never charged for her services. In fact, some of you who are reading this might have known my mom and never knew she was a psychic. She didn't tell anyone about it. It's not like she advertised it or anything, but she did read for some family and close friends. However, I do know for a fact that my mother carried a lot with her during her time on earth. Other people's toxic BS for the most part, but also her own trauma she dealt with in her life. Those of you who know how Indians (especially South Indians) operate know that trauma is just something you "suck it up and deal with", you don't really deal with it. Some of you may cry out "Times have changed! We don't think like that anymore!" It's not really true, for godsakes we still have to come to terms with mental health issues in the US.
Working through my own toxic BS is a constant struggle for me. Living in my head trash is a comfort zone I guess, but what can I do but to work it out in therapy? I meditate a lot, and I try to talk to my mom every single day. If I am being totally honest, I am trying to cry a lot more. Crying was never a thing for me growing up (again uber-conservative Asian household, there's no crying in baseball mentality). I realize this isn't just an Indian thing either, I mean we live in a society where we (as women) are expected to do the work of twice the work of a man, but not ask for the pay of a man and don't even get me started on being a minority.
I know what you are probably going to say, "but Supriya, you have so much going for you. You need to cut yourself some slack". That's probably true, but to be honest, it's hard to be an entrepreneur, a kick-ass employee, a life long over-achiever, and a millennial who is constantly being told that my generation is the most entitled piece of trash there is out there by every single news article trying to make a headline. That's not enough to lock myself in a room for several days, is it? Don't worry I am not actually locking myself in my room, but I am working all the time and that's kinda the same thing right?
I pushed self-care in the back corner of my mind, cause I thought if I worked myself to the point of exhaustion that self-care would just come! Kinda fucked up, right? I haven't put myself first in a very long time, cause I was too busy worrying about everyone else. What is that person going to think of me? What is that person going to say to me? I know I shouldn't give two shits of what anyone thinks, but honestly, that's who I am. I always look for validation or approval. Even if that comes from my peers, clients, bosses, friends or my own family. I've finally learned though, I really need to seek approval for myself. I have to learn that I am enough for anyone. I am enough for my clients, my employer, my family, and myself. I will be enough for anyone else that comes my way. I know that my mother would've wanted that for me and I can't imagine that she'd want me to be so weak.
The truth is, is that I believe I am strong enough to make it through this journey. My ways weren't working before, so I have to change them. Not just for me, but whoever will want to take this journey with me. Letting go of this toxic BS is just the starting point and once I do that, I can begin the cleansing process.